I had noticed for some time that Josiah Allen had acted queer. He would seem lost in thought anon or oftener, and then seemin'ly roust himself up and try to act natural.
And anon he would drag his old tin chest out from under the back stairway and pour over musty old deeds and papers, drawed up by his great-grandpa mebby.
He did this last act so often that I said to him one day, "What under the sun do you find in them yeller old papers to attract you so, Josiah?"
But he looked queer at me, queer as a dog, as if he wuz lookin' through me to some distant view that interested him dretfully, and answered evasive, and mebby he wouldn't answer at all.
And then I'd see him and Uncle Sime Bentley, his particular chum, with their heads clost together, seemin'ly plottin' sunthin' or ruther, though what it wuz I couldn't imagine.
And then they would bend their heads eagerly over the daily papers, and more'n once Josiah got down our old Olney's Atlas and he and Uncle Sime would pour over it and whisper, though what it wuz about I couldn't imagine. And if I'd had the curosity of some wimmen it would drove me into a caniption fit.
And more'n a dozen times I see him and Uncle Sime down by the back paster on the creek pacin' to and fro as if they wuz measurin' land. And most of all they seemed to be measurin' off solemn like and important the lane from the creek lot up to the house and takin' measurements, as queer lookin' sights as I ever see, and then they would consult the papers and atlas agin, and whisper and act.
And about this time he begun to talk to me about the St. Louis Exposition. He opened the subject one day by remarkin' that he spozed I had never hearn of the Louisana Purchase. He said that the minds of females in their leisure hours bein' took up by more frivolous things, such as tattin' and crazy bed-quilts, he spozed that I, bein' a female woman, had never hearn on't.
And my mind bein' at that time took up in startin' the seams in a blue and white sock I wuz knittin' for him, didn't reply, and he went on and talked and talked about it.
But good land! I knowed all about the Louisana Purchase; I knowed it come into our hands in 1803, that immense tract of land, settlin' forever in our favor the war for supremacy on this continent between ourselves and England, and givin' us the broad highway of the Mississippi to sail to and fro on which had been denied us, besides the enormous future increase in our wealth and population.
I knowed that between 1700 and 1800 this tract wuz tossted back and forth between France and Spain and England some as if it wuz a immense atlas containing pictured earth and sea instead of the real land and water.
It passed backwards and forwards through the century till 1803 when it bein' at the time in the hands of France, we bought it of Napoleon Bonaparte who had got possession of it a few years before, and Heaven only knows what ambitious dreams of foundin' a new empire in a new France filled that powerful brain, under that queer three-cornered hat of hisen when he got it of Spain.
But 'tennyrate he sold it in 1803 to our country, the writin's bein' drawed up by Thomas Jefferson, namesake of our own Thomas Jefferson, Josiah's child by his first wife. Napoleon, or I spoze it would sound more respectful to call him Mr. Bonaparte, he wanted money bad, and he didn't want England to git ahead, and so he sold it to us.
He acted some as Miss Bobbett did when she sot up her niece, Mahala Hen, in dressmakin' for fear Miss Henzy's girl would git all the custom and git rich. She'd had words with Miss Henzy and wanted to bring down her pride. And we bein' some like Miss Hen in sperit (she had had trouble with Miss Henzy herself, and wuz dretful glad to have Mahala sot up), we wuz more'n willin' to buy it of Mr. Bonaparte. You know he didn't like England, he had had words with her, and almost come to hands and blows, and it did come to that twelve years afterwards.
But poor creeter! I never felt like makin' light of his reverses, for do not we, poor mortals! have to face our Waterloo some time durin' our lives, when we have fought the battle and lost, when the ground is covered with slain Hopes, Ambition, Happiness, when the music is stilled, the stringed instruments and drums broken to pieces, or givin' out only wailin' accompaniments to the groans and cries of the dyin' layin' low in the dust.
We marched onward in the mornin' mebby with flyin' colors towards
Victory, with gaily flutterin' banners and glorious music. Then come the
Inevitable to crush us, and though we might not be doomed to a desert
island in body, yet our souls dwell there for quite a spell.
Till mebby we learn to pick up what is left of value on the lost field, try to mend the old instruments that never sound as they did before. Sew with tremblin' fingers the rents in the old tattered banners which Hope never carries agin with so high a head, and fall into the ranks and march forward with slower, more weary steps and our sad eyes bent toward the settin' sun.
But to stop eppisodin' and resoom. I had hearn all about how it wuz bought and how like every new discovery, or man or woman worth while, the Purchase had to meet opposition and ridicule, though some prophetic souls, like Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Livingstone and others, seemed to look forward through the mists of the future and see fertile fields and stately cities filled with crowds of prosperous citizens, where wuz then almost impassable swamps and forests inhabited by whoopin' savages.
And Mr. Bonaparte himself, let us not forgit in this proud year of fulfilled hopes and achievement and progress how he always seemed to set store by us and his words wuz prophetic of our nation's glorious destiny.
I had knowed all about this but Josiah seemed to delight to instruct me as carefully as a mother would guide a prattlin' child jest beginnin' to walk on its little feet. And some times I would resent it, and some times when I wuz real good natured, for every human bein' no matter how high principled, has ebbs and flows in their moral temperatures, some times I would let him instruct me and take it meekly like a child learnin' its A-B abs.
But to resoom. Day by day Josiah's strange actions continued, and at intervals growin' still more and more frequent and continuous he acted, till at last the truth oozed out of him like water out of a tub that has been filled too full, it wuz after an extra good meal that he confided in me.
He said the big celebration of the Louisana Purchase had set him to thinkin' and he'd investigated his own private affairs and had discovered important facts that had made him feel that he too must make a celebration of the Purchase of the Allen Homestead.
"On which we are now dwellin', Samantha," sez he. "Seventy-four acres more or less runnin' up to a stake and back agin, to wit, as the paper sez."
Sez I, "You needn't talk like a lawyer to me, Josiah Allen, but tell me plain as a man and a deacon what you mean."
"Well, I'm tellin' you, hain't I, fast as I can? I've found out by my own deep research (the tin trunk wuzn't more'n a foot deep but I didn't throw the trunk in his face), I've discovered this remarkable fact that this farm the very year of the Louisana Purchase came into the Allen family by purchase. My great-great-grandfather, Hatevil Allen, bought it of Ohbejoyful Gowdey, and the papers wuz signed the very day the other momentous purchase wuz made.
"There wuz fourteen children in the family of old Hatevil, jest as many as there is States in the purchase they are celebratin' to St. Louis.
"And another wonderful fact old Hatevil Allen paid jest the same amount for this farm that our Government paid for the Louisiana Purchase."
"Do you mean to tell me, Josiah, that Hatevil Allen paid fifteen millions for this farm. Will you tell me that? You, a member of the meetin' house and a deacon?"
"Well, what you might call the same, it is the same figgers with the six orts left out. Great-granther Allen paid fifteen dollars for this piece of land, it wuz all woods then."
"Another of these most remarkable series of incidents that have ever took place on this continent, Thomas Jefferson wuz a main actor in the Louisana Purchase. He has left this spear some years ago, and who, who is the father of Thomas Jefferson to-day?"
I didn't say nothin', for I wuz engrossed in my knittin', I wuz jest turnin' the heel of his sock and needed my hull mind.
"And," sez he, smitin' his breast agin, "I ask you, Samantha, who is the father of Thomas Jefferson to-day?"
I had by this time turned the heel and I sez, "Why, I spoze he's got the same father now he always had, children don't change their fathers very often as a general thing."
"Well, you needn't be so grumpy about it. Don't you see that these wonderful coincidences are enough to apall a light-minded person. Why, I, even I with my cast iron strength of mind, have almost felt my brain stagger and reel as I onraveled the momentous affair.
"And I am plannin' a celebration, Samantha, that will hist up the name of Allen where it ort to be onto the very top of Fame's towerin' pillow, and keep it in everlastin' remembrance.
"And I, Samantha," and here he smote himself agin in the breast, "I,
Josiah Allen, havin' exposed these circumstances, the most remarkable in
American history, I lay out to name my show the Exposition of Josiah
Allen. And I've thought some times that in order to mate mine with the
St. Louis show, as you may say, I'd mebby ort to call myself St.
Josiah."
"Saint Josiah!" sez I, and my axent wuz that icy cold that he shivered imperceptibly and added hastily, "Well, we will leave that to the future to decide."
"But," sez he firmly, spruntin' up agin, "if the nation calls on me to name myself thus I shall respond, and expose myself at my Exposition as Saint Josiah."
Sez I anxiously, "I wouldn't expose myself too much, Josiah. You remember the pa that took his weak-minded child to the ball, and told him to set still and not speak or they would find him out.
"And they asked him question after question and he didn't say a word, and finally they begun to scoff at him and told him he wuz a fool, and he called out, 'Father, father, they've found me out.'"
Josiah sez snappishly, "What you mean by bringin' that old chestnut up I cant see."
"Well," sez I, "I shan't sew the moral on any tighter." But he kep' on ignorin' my sarcastick allusion.
"To keep up the train of almost miraclous incidents marchin' along through the past connecting the St. Louis and the Allen Purchase like historical twins, I'm goin' to spend on the Exposition of Josiah Allen jest the amount paid for the other original purchase, and I may, for there is no tellin' what a Allen may do when his blood is rousted up, I may swing right out and pay jest the same amount St. Louis is payin' for her Exposition."
"Fifty millions!" sez I with emotions of or—or to think I had a pardner that would tell such a gigantic falsehood, and instinctively I thought of a story I'd hearn Thomas Jefferson tell the evenin' before.
He said three commercial travelers wuz talkin' before an old man from the country whose loose fittin' clothes were gently scattered with hay-seed. The first one told with minute particulars of a Western cyclone that had lifted a house and sot it down in a neighborin' township. The next one said that he wuz knowin' to the circumstances and how the cyclone swep back and brought the suller and sot it down under the house. And the third one remembered vividly how the cyclone went back the second time and brought the hole the suller left and distributed it round under the new site.
The old man listened with deep interest, and said he wuz glad he'd had the privelige of hearin' 'em, for their talk had cleared up a Bible verse he'd long pondered over.
They wuz astounded to think their talk had awakened religious meditations. But the old gentleman said their conversation had cleared up that passage where it said:
"Annanias come forth."
He said it wuz now plain to him that it meant that these three drummers should stand before Annanias, the Prince of Liars, he takin' his place behind 'em, the fourth in the rank of liars.
But this is neither here or there I only mention it as comin' into my mind instinctively and onbeknown to myself as I hearn Josiah Allen's remark, it came and went, as thoughts will, like a lightning flash, even as I wuz repeatin' the words agin in wonderment and horrow.
"Fifty million dollars!"
"No, I said to you, Samantha, that in our conversation we would leave out the orts, fifty dollars wuz what I meant. But as I said this is what I've thought when my brain wuz fired with ambition and glory of histin' the name of Allen up where it ort to be and will be. But when my blood has quieted down and I took a dispassionate view of the affair I have thought it would be more in keepin' with the old traditions of the Allen family, to spend jest fifteen, I can do a noble job with Uncle Sime's help and Ury's, with exactly the same sum that wuz paid for these purchases."
I see he wuz jest bound to ignore the millions. But I knowed it wouldn't do any good to keep twittin' him of it. And then he went on to describe more fully the Exposition of Josiah Allen that he'd been plottin' for weeks and weeks. He said that he and uncle Sime had used up two hull pads of writin' paper at a cost of five cents each, plannin' and figurin'. But he didn't begrech the outlay, he said. He wuz layin' out to have the lower paster used as a tentin' ground for the hull Allen race, and the Gowdeys if he decided they wuz worthy to jine in, he hadn't settled on that yet. The cow paster wuz to be used for Equinomical and Agricultural displays and also Peaceful Industries and Inventions, and the lane leadin' up to the barn from the lower paster he laid out to use as a Pike for all sorts of amusements, pitchin' quaits, bull-in-the-barnyard, turnin' hand-springs and summer sets, etc., etc.
Sez I coldly, "It would draw quite a crowd to see you and Deacon Gowdey standin' on your two old bald heads turnin' a summer set."
"Oh, I laid out to have younger people in such thrillin' seens, Ury and others." And then he went on to describe at length his Peaceful Industry Show.
I couldn't sot still to hear it only I felt I wanted to know the worst and cope with it as a surgeon probes to the quick in order to cure.
He thought he could git Aunt Huldy Wood, who wove carpets, to set up her loom for a few days under the big but-nut tree, and be weavin' there before the crowds. He said she wuz a peaceful old critter and would show off well in it. And Bildad Shoecraft, another good-natured creeter, he could bring his shoe-making bench and be tappin' boots. He could not only show off but make money at the same time, for he spozed that many a boot would be wore down to the quick walkin' round viewin' the attractions. And Blandina Teeter he spozed she could run my sewin' machine under the sugar maple. And he thought mebby I would set out under the slippery ellum makin' ginger cookies or fryin' nut-cakes, in either capacity he said I wuz a study for an artist and would draw crowds.
"The wife of Josiah Allen fryin' nut-cakes, what a sound it would have through the world."
"No, Josiah," sez I, "I shan't try to fry nut-cakes in a open lot without ingregients or fire."
"Well, mebby you'd ruther be one of the attractions of the Pike, Samantha. I hain't goin' to limit you to one thing. As the pardner of the originator of this stupengous scheme you are entitled to respect. There is where Napoleon, the other great actor in these twin dramas, missed it, he didn't use his wife as he ort to. But jest see the wonderful similarity in these cases. He had two step-children; the wife of Josiah had two; I am smaller in statute than my wife; so wuz Napoleon."
"You spoke of your Peaceful Inventions, Josiah," sez I, wantin' to git his mind off, for truly I begun to fairly feel sick to the stomach to hear his talk about himself and the Great Conqueror.
"Oh, yes, Samantha, that in itself will be worth double the price of admission."
"Then you expect to ask pay, Josiah?"
"Certainly, why not? Do they not ask pay at the twin celebration?
"But you spoke of inventions; I shall let the rest of the Allens show off. Lots of 'em have invented things, but of course my inventions will rank number one. There is my button on the suller door I cut it out of an old boot leg. Who ever hearn of a leather button before, and it works well if you don't want to fasten the door tight. Then there is that self actin' hen-coop of mine that lets a stick fall down and shuts the door when the hen walks up the ladder."
"But no hen has ever clim the ladder yet, Josiah."
"No, perhaps they hain't yet, but I'm expectin' to see 'em every day, 'tennyrate paint that coop a bright red and yaller and it will attract a crowd.
"And then there is that travelin' rat trap of brother Henzy's, you know his grandmother wuz an Allen, I shall mayhap let him appear. And then there is all my farmin' implements and the rest of the Allen's I lay out to be just to all, and let 'em all come and show off in my Agricultural show.
"But of course there has got to be a head to it; Napoleon wuz the head of the other Purchase, and I'm the head of this. In short, Samantha, I am It."
Oh, how full of pride and vain glory he wuz, and I knowed such feelin's would have to be brung down for his spiritual good. I realized it as he went on,
"I tell you, Napoleon and I would have made a span, Samantha, if he could been spared till now."
Oh how shamed I wuz to hear such talk, but I sot demute for reasons named, and he sez agin, "I thought mebby you would want to be one of the attractions of the Pike, Samantha; I lay out to have livin' statutes adornin' the side of the lane leadin' up from the beaver medder to the horse trough."
"Livin' statutes!" sez I, coldly, "I don't know what you mean by them."
[Illustration]
"Why, I thought for a few cents I could git a lot of children and old folks to be white-washed for a day or two and pose as statutes. It would be a new thing and a crackin' good idee, for livin' statutes that can wink, and bow, and talk, and walk round some, I don't believe wuz ever hearn on before."
"No indeed," sez I, "but I can tell you, Josiah Allen, I've played many strange parts in the role of life at your request, but I tell you once for all I shall never, never be whitewashed and set up for a statute, you can set your mind to rest on that to once."
"Mebby you'd ruther be a Historical Tabloo, Samantha; I lay out to have beautiful ones, and I thought I wouldn't confine myself to the States, but would branch out and have the foreign nations represented figuratively.
"A naval battle between Russia and Japan would draw; if I could fix some floats on the creek my stun boat could represent Russia, and Deacon Huffer's Japan, I jest as lives mine would be blowed up and sunk as not, 'tain't good for much. And if I did have that I would have the Russian Bear set on the shore growlin', and the Powers furder back lookin' pleasantly on. You might be a Power, Samantha, if you wuzn't a female."
"No, thank you, Josiah, I don't hanker after the responsibility for good or evil that ort to hang onto a Power."
"I'd be the Russian Bear myself, Samantha, with our old buffalo robe, only I've got everything else to do; I could grasp holt of things and squeeze 'em tight and growl and paw first rate."
"I wouldn't try to take that Russian Bear's job of graspin' and growlin' and pawin' onto me, Josiah, if I wuz in your place; it would tucker anybody out."
"The Eagle of France," sez he dreamily, "could be represented in reduced form, as artists say, by Solomon Bobbett's old Bramy rooster with some claws tied on. And Scotland, the land knows there is thistles enough along the cow path to represent her if they're handled right. And for Ireland I might have two fellers fightin' with shelalays, Ury could make the shelalays if he had a pattern."
I knit away with a look of cold mockery on my face that I spose worried him, for he sez, "I wish I could git you interested in my show, Samantha. Mebby you'd want to represent Britanny scourin' the blue seas, you always thought so much of the Widder Albert. You could enact it in the creek where the water is shaller. You've got a long scrubbin' brush, I always thought you looked some like Britanny, and you do scrub and scour so beautiful, Samantha."
"No, Josiah, you'll never git me into that scrape, not but what Britanny may need help with her scrubbin' brush. But I shan't catch my death cold makin' a fool of myself by tacklin' that job."
"Oh, you could wear my rubber boots. But I shall not urge the matter, I only thought we two countries are such clost friends and I wanted you to have the foremost character, but I can probable git someone else to enact it. But the strain is fearful on me, Samantha, to have everything go on as it should."
His looks wuz strange. I could see that he wuz all nerved up, and his mind (what he had) wuz all wrought up to its highest tension; I knowed what happened when the tension to my sewin' machine wuz drawed too tight—it broke. And my machine wuz strong in comparison to some other things I won't mention out of respect to my pardner. I felt that I must be cautious and tread carefully if I would influence him for his good, so I brought forth the argument that seldom failed with him, and sez I:
"If I hadn't no other reason for jinin' in these doin's, cookin' has got to be done and how can a statute or a Historical Tabloo bile potatoes and brile steak and make yeast emptin's bread perked up on a pedestal or posin' in the creek, and you know, Josiah, that no matter how fur ambition or vain glory may lead a man, his appetite has got to be squenched, and vittles has got to be cooked else how can he squench it."
And to this old trustworthy weepon I held in all his different plans to inviggle me into his preposterous idees and found it answered better than reason or ridicule. But even this failed to break up his crazy plan. His hull mind (what he had) wuz sot on it.
I felt dretful and how I wuz goin' to break it up and git his mind off I couldn't tell; I talked it over with the children. They wuz goin' to be mortified to death by the idee if carried out and they told me in confidence and the woodhouse kitchen, "It must be stopped!"
And I sez, "How is it goin' to be stopped? I've handled every weepon I know how to lay holt on. I've pompied him, cooked the very best of vittles, argued with him, eppisoded, but all to no use, he's as sot as a hen turkey on a brick bat, and I've got to the end of my chain."
Sez Tirzah Ann, "Have you tried readin' historical novels to him?"
"No," sez I, "I don't dast to be too hash with him, your pa's health hain't what it wuz, I dassent take too hash measures."
Sez she, "Have you tried readin' poetry?"
"Yes," sez I, "I have read Pollock's Course of Time most through to him, and the biggest heft of 'Paradise Lost,' and I read the last named with deep feelin', I can tell you."
"Didn't it do any good?"
"Not a mite," sez I. "He would choke me off in the soarinest passages to boast about some crazy side-show at his Exposition."
Tirzah Ann sithed and sez, "I don't know what can be done."
Thomas J. is more practical and sez, "Can't you git his mind on some work? Hain't there sunthin' that ort to be done round the farm? Or in the house?"
"Id'no," sez I. "He can't plow or reap in February or pick gooseberries or wash sheep. But I know what ort to be done in the house, I tried my best to git him at it in the fall, I do want a furnace and hot water pipes put in to heat the house. We most freeze these cold days, and it is too much for your pa when Ury is away to tend to the fires."
"That's just the thing!" sez Thomas J., "get him interested in that and he will forgit all about the Allen Exposition by the time it is done."
But I sez in a discouraged way, "If I couldn't git him at it in the fall
Id'no how I'm goin' to now."
"But it is worth tryin'," sez Thomas J., "for his scheme must be broke up, and if you git your furnace in now it will be all ready for another fall."
"Well," sez I, "I can try." And so I begun that very night on a new tact, or ruther the old tact in a new way, I told him how sot Thomas J. wuz on our havin' a furnace and hot water pipes put in.
Josiah thinks his eyes of his only son, and I see it kinder moved him, but he wouldn't give his consent, and sez:
"What do you want hot water pipes and a furnace for in the summer?"
Sez I pintin' to the snowy fields, "Do you call this summer, Josiah? And Thomas J. sez it will be so nice to have it all ready in the fall. And I do wish, Josiah, you would hear to me."
"Well, well, I am hearin' you, hain't I, and been hearin' for a year back, I hain't deef as an adder!" And he jammed his hat down over his ears and went to the barn. But there wuz a sort of a waverin' expression to his linement that made me have hopes.
Well, when I had, with the children's help and an enormous expenditure of good vittles and eloquence, brought him round to the idee, I found I had another trial worse than the first to contend with. Instead of hirin' a first rate workman who knew his bizness, he wuz bound, on account of cheapness, to hire a conceited creeter who thought he could do anything better than anyone else could.
He knew how to milk, Jabez Wind did, and how to clean stables, and plough and hoe corn. But he felt he could do plumbin' better than them who had handled plumbs for years. And when I see Josiah wuz sot on hirin' him to do the job I felt dretful, for he wuz no more fit for it than our brindle cow to do fine sewin', or our old steer to give music lessons on the banjo. He wuz a creeter I never liked, always tryin' to invent sunthin' and always failin. But Josiah insisted on havin' him because he wuz so much cheaper.
And I sez, "You'll sup sorrow yet, Josiah Allen, with your tendency to save and scrimp. Jabez Wind don't know nothin' about such work; he hain't got any shop or tools and I don't want him meddlin' round my house. We want the rooms warmed good and we don't want a big noise and racket, as I've hearn they make sometimes, I couldn't stand it with such noise and cracklin' goin' on day and night."
"Oh," sez Josiah, "that's one great beauty of Jabezeses invention, it is perfectly noiseless, not a murmur or gurgle from one year's end to the other, and so easy to tend. Jest twice a year, he sez, to put a pail of water in the upper tank, two pails of water a year to insure summer warmth, no dirt, no noise, not much like luggin' in wood from mornin' till night, breakin' your back cuttin' and splittin' it and litterin' up the house."
The idee of the perfect stillness did tempt me, I so love comfort and quiet, and also not havin' to sweep up after chips and kindlin' wood. But yet how did we know these things wuz so? And agin I sez, "How do you know he can do all this? He hain't got any tools."
Sez Josiah, "He's got idees if he hain't got tools. A man can borry tools, but he can't dicker for such idees as Jabez has got. See the things he's undertook."
Sez I, "Anybody can undertake things; his idees hain't made him rich or famous. That air ship of hisen he wuz goin' to sail to Europe on, rared up and spilt him in his uncle's back yard. And his automobile, when he sot off on it and headed it for the road it backed up and took him down that steep hill back of the barn into the creek, where it kep on ploughin' up dirt and slate stuns till his uncle stopped it by main force and lifted Jabez out from under it drippin' like a water rat. And his machine for perpetual motion, his ma uses it now for clothes bars," sez I. "What has he ever done to merit your encomiums?"
"Well," sez he, "he's bound to succeed this time. His idees are some like the hardware man's at Jonesville only Jabez'es are more deep and not nigh so expensive." I never liked Jabez Wind and shouldn't if I'd seen him settin' swingin' his legs off the very top of Fame's pillow. He wuz oncongenial to me, made so from the beginin'. I never knew any particular hurt of him, but he seemed so much like his own sir name, so puffed up and onsubstantial. He wuz middlin' well off to start with, or his ma wuz, but he had used up all her property in his different enterprises.
Now I dote on inventors, they wear a halo in my partial eyes. They're the greatest men of our day, and I mentally kneel at their feet, but gold always has counterfeits. The real inventor, made by the Deity to carry out his plans, is modest, silent, broodin' over his great secrets, away from the multitude where angels minister to him. But Jabez wuz loud, boastin', arrogant, his pert impudent face proclaimin' the great things he wuz goin' to do, but never did. He wuz in love, too, or what he called love, with a girl that wuz a prime favorite of mine, sweet little Rosamond Nickleson, she and I wuz such great friends she often used to come and stay a week at a time with me.
When Jabez Wind came to Jonesville, Rosy wuz about the same as engaged to a good sensible young farmer, Royal Nelson, who lived three milds above Jonesville on the old stage road. He wuz a stiddy, likely young man, who owned a nice farm well stocked, wuz good lookin', good appearin', but ruther bashful and retirin', which made him some times in company a little awkwud in his manners, and most offish where he wanted to please most. But he had a good mind, and his heart wuz pure gold, and he loved Rosy with the deep earnest love, such undemonstrative men often cherish for the one woman in the world for them. His calm gray eyes would light up with the pure light of deathless love when they rested on the sweet face of little Rosy. And he wuz always tryin' to help her in some way, lookin' out for her interest, he seemed to love to protect and wait on her in a way that argued well for the future, but mebby it wuz this constant and almost slavish devotion that made her slight him, she had got so used to his stiddy love that she didn't appreciate it as she'd ort to.
He had paid attention to Rosy for most three years. I thought mebby he wuz such a manly chap he didn't want to hurry her, she wuz so young, but everybody spozed they wuz as good as engaged when Jabez Wind come to Jonesville to live with his uncle, old Kellup Wind. He lost his wife, and Miss Wind, his brother's widder, come to keep house for him and brung Jabez with her. I hurn it wuz the bargain she wuz to have two dollars a week and Jabez'es board. That showed me what he wuz, a young man twenty-five years old hangin' on to his mother's apron strings to support him, or ruther hangin' onto her hard workin' fingers, she wuz a good housekeeper.
Well, Jabez made such a splurge in the social pool of Jonesville society, he made such florid eloquent boasts of the wonderful things he wuz goin' to do in the near future; his clothes wuz so showy, and his looks so showy (shaller I called it), with beady shiny black eyes, red cheeks, mustache and whiskers naturally red like his hair, but dyed black, and he played the fiddle so sweet, the girls said, and he sung comic songs so bea-eu-ti-ful, and he danced so light that he become a general favorite in Jonesville society and the girls all seemed to seek after him. But from the first he singled out Rosy as the object of his special patronizin' affection. She wuz well off, her pa left her a good property in money besides bein' so pretty and good herself.
And she, girls are so queer, the best of 'em, from the very fact that his affection wuz so patronizin' and down stoopin' to her, and kinder oncertain, for onlike Royal he would have spells of slightin' her and waitin' on other girls, why mebby for this very reason she seemed to be carried some distance away with him, and believed all his grand idees and looked forward to the realization of his stupendious schemes, high soundin' schemes, which had took him no furder than the middle of the creek and his uncle's back yard.
His uncle didn't believe in him no more than I did, but stood it with him on account of Karen, bein' a man that loved domestic comfort, and havin' lived in dirt, on pan-cakes and canned meats durin' different rains of incompetence materialized in hired girl form, before Karen come. But Karen worshipped Jabez, his highest mounts of future eminence seemed too low for his footstool in her adorin' eyes, somehow the very loftiness of his airs to her, his own mother who supported him and bought his clothes, seemed to render him more precious in her eyes. Wimmen are queer, queer as dogs.
Well, Jabez knew I wuz onwillin' to have him tackle the job of warmin' our house with his new water pipe invention, because I had spoke my mind about it when he and Karen had been over to spend the evenin', and Karen come over the next mornin' ostensibly to borry a cup of molasses, she wuz lookin' wore out, she'd worked so hard the day before, doin' a big washin' and bringin' the water from the creek, and I sez, "Why didn't Jabez bring it for you?"
"Oh, he wuz so busy with his inventions I couldn't bear to disturb him," sez she, holdin' her hand to her achin' side, "my son is the greatest genius in the world and folks will admit it yet, he's a young man of a thousand."
Sez I, "I should think more on him, Karen, if he should go to work and take care of you instead of you at your age workin' so hard to take care of him."
She married when she wuz quite well along in years and wuz gittin' old now and hadn't ort to work so hard. But her pale face lit up, "Oh, he will take care of me luxuriously when he's completed some of his inventions."
"But," sez I pityin'ly, "you know they hain't worked yet, any on 'em. You hung your washin' yesterday on the remains of his Perpetual Motion, and his motor carriage bein' dug up from the creek, his uncle uses it as a hen coop."
"Oh, but they will be successful, they will."
"I hope so, but I feel it my duty to tell you that I feel dubersome about it, dretful dubersome."
"But," sez she, "the New Perpetually Gushing Hot Water Tank is goin' to make us independently rich. He's takin' the plans now of Luman Heath's kitchen stove and riggin' up the machinery; Luman is to pay him lavishly, you know Luman's wife is my own cousin."
I see how it wuz, Karen's friends, to please her, wuz willin' to offer up their sure comforts and solid foundations as a sacrifice on the altar of friendship and the thought come over me, mebby I'd ort to. But it did seem as if I couldn't.
Sez Karen, "If it is a success at cousin Luman's, as it is dead sure to be, Jabez is goin' to take it to the St. Louis Exposition."
"He thinks the foreign powers will want to treat with him for it. But I told him I would ruther he would let our Government have it. But 'tennyrate he won't let the Powers git the better of him in the contract and control it and enrich themselves at his expense. He will get his onparelled idees patented before he takes it to St. Louis, it wouldn't be safe not to. I spoze the papers will be full of it."
Such talk didn't seem to move me a mite, but it impressed Josiah dretfully and he sez, "I shall have this new invention stand next to my hen coop at the Exposition of St. Josiah."
I shuddered and turned the subject round quick as I could. Well, Karen labored with me over two hours, dwellin' in particular on the perfect stillness of the heatin' apparatus, and agin as before that thought tempted me awfully, for I'd hearn the cracklin' snappin' sounds that sometimes comes from steam heat and dreaded to have it reproduced in my home, and seein' my looks Karen amplified on the idee, How sweet it would be in December to set down in a rockin' chair in the still warmth of a day in July and go through the winter in that luxurious lovely way. She talked till she had to go home almost on the run, for she said Jabez'es mind worked so hard it exhausted his body completely so she had to have the most nourishin' food ready for him at the very minute or he would break right down. But to the last she praised up Jabez'es work. But I wouldn't say a encouragin' word furder than this, "I feel dubersome about it, Karen, dretful dubersome."
That afternoon Rosy come over to stay all night, and she too tackled me on the subject. He had asked her to, always hangin' onto some woman for help. But with her too I used the same tick-tacks I had with Karen, I said mildly after each modest plea for his great genius, and how well he would do the work, "I feel dubersome about it, Rosy, dretful dubersome."
Then she, too, sweetly spoke of the summer warmth, and the entire absence of noise, and agin that thought tempted me, but I sez, "How do you know, Rosy, that it will be entirely noiseless?"
"Oh, I know it will, Jabez sez so. He is sure to succeed, and it will help him so to have your influence, he expects to publish a book of the greater eulogies from noted people on this new invention, and he intends to have your name head the list. When you say this perfectly noiseless machine heats your house too warm in the coldest weather, what a help it will be to him, and your name will be first," she repeated agin.
"He'd better have the President and Cabinet come first," sez I dryly, dry as a chip in dog days.
"No, he spoke about that, but thought he would have them come next to yours, and I approved of it," sez she affectionately, "and so did his ma.
"He will git out the book as soon as he comes home from the St. Louis
Exposition with all the big eulogies he gits there on his inventions."
I groaned to myself and got up quick and went into the buttery and took a drink of cold water, I felt so kinder sickish. Well at modest intervals she would politely and gently tackle me about it, at the table and while she wuz washin' dishes, but I held firm, though very considerate and tender to her. I mogulated my axent low and gentle and looked mild at her over my specs, as I washed and she wiped, but my words wuz ever the same.
"I feel dubersome about it, Rosy, dretful dubersome."